yesterday and today were awesome! (:
haha yesterday was the end of prelims so sharon and i were gonna practise praise and worship with shuling. then out of the blue sheila offered to be our second guitarist! COOL. i think our guitarists are amazing to the max. considering shuling's not from hwach yet she's willing to come all the way down from nj to help out. and sheila isn't even christian, yet she volunteered her house, laptop, etc. sharon is drained from her church ministries but she's still offering to help kickstart this one and be our songleader! (: and zhengshan's helping to co-ordinate all the media stuff we need and take care of the fellowship stuff, and emily's providing us with media equipment and doing our songsheets. not to mention hannah and the rest who are being incredibly ... =D haha i think i learnt alot from the 'dry run' alone this morning. help me pray hard k? cos i really really want our ministry to go well (:
yesterday lisa said that when we feel disengaged, all the more we must reach out and engage with others. i think that's really true. how many times have we allowed ourselves to indulge in our own self-pity, told ourselves that nobody cares about us, or simply rot away in the corner cos we're too scared to take that elusive first step? too scared of pain, too scared of rejection, too scared of past failures. but doesn't the bible say that we are not to worry about tomorrow?
sometimes when we feel cast away, when we feel doubtful and worried, it's not that nobody loves us. it's that we havn't learnt to appreciate their love language and the way they show their love. many people don't even know what embodies love to themselves. does love always have to come with a bunch of roses or a verbal word? isn't love as simple as a feeling that makes you feel warm and happy, that makes you feel protected and cared for? can't love just simply come in the form of a pat on the shoulder, a whisper of encouragement, an sms to ask how you're doing? i mean, i feel very loved by the smallest of gestures my friends do. i feel loved when somebody walks in the rain with me, windbreakers on and collars turned up. i feel loved when friends pass me their jackets in a freezing environment and claim they aren't cold. i feel loved when my schmates come up behind me and whack my head and muss up my hair, and we'd have another long bicker over who's the culprit that did it, heh. but it's all in the name of fun...it's all in the name of love (:
and secondly...many people aren't satisfied with the love they have. they don't treasure it, and they keep searching for more. sometimes a homely lil girl might yearn very badly to be friends with the most popular girl in the school. she does everything she can to get the attention of the most popular girl. she gets ecstatic when the latter throws her a mere glance. she's so blinded that she allows the queen bee to order her around, and when she's getting manipulated by the latter, she doesnt care cos she thinks she now has the other girl's attention, her 'friendship'. but that isn't love. that's idolism. when you think of a certain friend so highly that you're willing to sacrifice anything to solidify that friendship, perhaps even throw away all those who truly love you. there's a very simple way to see if love is reciprocated. check your inbox. is there someone whom you keep texting and whose messages you treaure above the rest? but yet, are you taking the initiative to text him or her far more often then they themselves choose to take the initiative to start a text convo?
and lastly...what lisa said about 说者无意听者有心. many times we misinterprete other's thoughts and emotions, and we don't realise the importance of laying bare the stage with one another. it's like the poem about the Poison Tree."I was angry with my friend: I told my wrath, my wrath did end. I was angry with my foe; I told it not, my wrath did grow." if there's something you're unhappy about with your friend, tell your friend. don't say it to hurt or in a way that causes unneccessary pain, but say it in a way that edifies the person. and similarly, if you love your friend, tell your friend so. very often we feel shy or whatnot when people tell us they love us, and we shrug it off as a joke or say something sacarstic. but what we don't realise that this unthinking gesture on our part; this symbolic rejection of their love might hurt them so much that they're fearful to show it ever again. and then when they don't tell us they love us anymore, we fickle-minded humans turn around and complain about how we don't fel loved. it takes courage to tell our friends that we love them...but it also takes courage to accept and acknowledge that love.
i dont wanna study already. i can understand if i screw up biochem cos my revision obviously wasn't sufficient. but maths? which i chionged so hard for? it's like some sick joke please.
i sat down, opened my paper and died. i think i'm the only retard in the world who didn't realise stats is only sixty percent of paper 2. damn it la. i think prelims is actually the one exam i'm gonna screw up the most in my entire hwachong life. how the heck am i gonna face my teachers if i get 4Us. and the worst part is i'm not even scared. somebody tell me if that's guts or pure dumb bravado.
oh, and today morning was screwed too. no forewarning whatsoever, walked in, sat down, crapped. not proud of it. at all. even zhengshan says she could tell i wasn't prepared. i'm really quite sick of people flaunting moodswings around me. i keep getting nightmares of my friendships dying. honestly i don't really care anymore.
tomorrow. tuition with jiayi and fujie. if i can't even solve their questions i swear i'm going to....ah. i also dunno la.
hahaha i have about 180 pages left to go and my paper is tmr. i rock yea? i feel like just giving up on prelims alr cos its so obviously screwed -.- cal the smartie got 49/100 for maths paper 2! i think i'll get, er, 30+..? haha the best part was shuling's expression when i told her, 'i think my chem improved! i think i'll get 30+ instead of 18+ this time round'. HAHAHA, EPIC. ya. im quite annoyed with some people in school who keep insisting i'm lying when i walk coolly outta the exam hall and calmly tell them i screwed up the paper. i mean, seriously. why in the world would i wanna act humble? i'm calm cos i know i screwed it up and that there's no point panicking alright. ah, whatever. just please don't come annoying me when i'm alr pissed.
anw, i'm quite happy cos i was praying for a friend and i suddenly had a revelation of why the person's been so out of sorts. hai. happy cos now i know what's wrong but...i really feel quite bad because i feel it's partly my fault for having been so insensitive to the signs which were there since at least a couple of weeks ago. it's just that i had a nagging sense of sth being wrong from weeks back but i ignored it. mark was teaching me how to recognise the voice of the Spirit on sunday and i think this is another incident where i've screwed up ): oh wells...time to buck up and start being a better friend xin (:
no idea where my friend got this from, but i like it! its my fav taylor swift song (:
i still rmb ansel telling me to go watch online when the mv first came out. it was hilarious cos my com doesn't have sound so i was telling him to inform me when the song starts playing so i could co-ordinate w music from my phone. imagine two ppl trying to find the exact same vid on youtube, then timing the seconds to when the music starts playing, and informing the other person at the exact same time. haha!
hahaha yesterday night was the most hilarious convo ever. mingwei and cheryl ah.... -shakes head.
haha, i just finished bathing raptor and wow, he looked so blissful! bathing raptor is like a mini excursion. first, clean his enclosure so it'll be nice and clean for his return. (he'll be hopping around my room playing with my stuff while i do this). next, bring out his empty cookie container and tell him to hop in. (he'll start getting very excited around this time). pick up the container and go into the bathroom (with him happily squeaking and looking around while he enjoys his aerial ride) and fill the container with a lil water so he gets a wading pool. then...haha, he'll go crazy trying to drink water/ splash around with his beak/ ruffling his wings so i'll sprinkle water on him. oh, and he gets a hot water pack to snooze on after his rub-down so he won't catch cold. yes i know, he's a spoilt lil brat haha.
i've slept and played most of today but i feel like a very blessed girl! (:
to copy the way my junior counts her blessings....
Love is ... when sally discusses church stuff with me over a leisurely one-hour-long breakfast.
Love is ... when shuling brings me a warm jacket from home and sacrifices her times to teach me maths.
Love is ... when keat gives me the typical 'so smart!' trademark she normally bestows only on shuling! :D
haha. sally told me something this morning which made me a very, very happy girl. (:
yay! i slept late this morning and the weather's cold so it's very shiok! okay i know normal people dont consider seven thirty as sleeping late but still ~
anyway i like this verse a lot cos it's how i usually feel: 'Isaiah 55:12: you will go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and hills will burst into song before you,and all the trees of the field will clap their hands.' nice right? to always be able to feel so happy and loved (: i think my attitude when cg started yesterday sucked big time and i'm really sorry for it....thank God it got way better as cg progressed (: hai i know this sounds very weird but i wasn't very sleepy actually. it's just that something pissed me off very badly, and when i get angry, i usually hide it by acting very sian and sleepy so i have an excuse to distance myself. i know Sharon's aware of this so when i start acting tired in schoool she'll get very very scared cos she doesnt know if i'm really tired or just majorly pissed off. haha! defence mechanism.
anw i kinda realised sth, which is that the cg is the only non-cliqued group i've been in for as far as i can remember. i'm not saying there aren't any people in the cg who're slightly closer to each other than to the rest, cos that's a natural thing. it's just that everyone seems to be able to get on so well and mingle with each other, which is sth i've never seen before fr pri sch till now. amazing right? somehow all the people i meet in sch and cca are always extremely cliquish. SIAN.
and lastly, something i was sharing with emily when we were discussing moral courage. i think it's really sad when people sense their friends in trouble but yet they do nothing to help. yes, sometimes man's might alone is insufficient and that's why we depend on God and we pray to Him. but like pastor derek said in OPM, jesus didn't say 'PRAY', he said, 'GO!' prayer works miracles, but unless you choose to step out in faith and get a grip on the situation you're having (in this case we were discussing friendship) how can God work through us to change things for the better? i know alot of my friends would say, 'just let the person chill for a while...maybe he needs some alone time'. which is all very well, but how can you let your friend have 'alone time' for days, weeks or even months on end? are we then really respecting their privacy or simply getting too lazy to reach out and help? even if the person needs to chill, i'm sure it's not gonna kill him or her if you just give a hug, a friendly word or let the person know you'll be there if needed, right? it's when you dont do anything and one day if the person really (choy) goes off and kills himself that it's too late to change anything. maybe we think we're not sensitive enough to pick up on our friends' emotions when they're feeling down, or we think we're not open enough to reach out. but....just try. you never know when a lil impact can make all the difference...
okay sorry i was actually intending to post on how fun it was to go home after cg but ahh, i just needed to say that cos of stuff i've been seeing in sch la. haha! i'm going library now (: ciao!
whoohoo. i've made it to thurs! anw the bio paper was quite cool (i didnt complete 32 marks btw) cos photog and nervous system and virus (which i totally skimmed through) didnt come out! aftwards mr nah told me they'd wanted to zham nervous sys but somehow they decided to change the question. God rocks!!
ahhh i'm seriously looking forward to laxing at cell group tmr! hahaha cal asked if i was going just now and i totally laughed out loud cos it's like...whoa...i think hanging out at cg and church was my only motivation to get through the week. haha! and i dont think i want to pon cg lunch after service anymore. the couple of hours of studying dont really help and i just get frustrated cos i dont get to play. and i'm gonna drag fellowship till eleven thirty then rush for my last bus cos my mom is quite okay with me reaching at 12 plus now. yay!
haha i finally finished reading Sorato's Bad Boys Uncut (yes i know i'm supposed to be doing bio) and i thought the last paragraph was pretty sweet. so here it is...
'To end I would like to say that as we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let us down probably will. You'll have your heart broken and you'll break others' hearts. You'll fight with your best friend or maybe even fall in love with them and you'll cry because time is flying by too fast. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, forgive freely, and love like you've never been hurt. Life comes with no guarantees, no time outs, and no second chances. You just have to live life to the fullest, tell someone what they mean to you and tell someone off. Speak out, dance in the pouring rain, hold someone's hand, comfort a friend, fall asleep watching the sun come up, stay up late, be a flirt, and smile until your face hurts. Don't be afraid to take chances or fall in love and most of all live in the moment because every second you spend angry or upset is a second of happiness you can never get back.'
awww.
i don't really know how to define a person as a hypocrite. sharon was saying that for 'black sheep' christians, they may not be good testimonies so people say they don't walk the talk. but yknow sometimes when we ask people to change their ways when we know full well ours aren't perfect, does that still make us hypocrites? since we're already trying to change ourselves but arent quite there yet? i think i'd rather label a hypocrite as a person who understands the error of his ways, yet makes no attempt to change while blatantly scolding or 'preaching' to others who act similarly.
i really thought i'd ace maths. then it turned out of all the major stuff i studied, NOTHING came out -.- okay nvm i think i'm quite on track for As with maths (:
we resumed prayer meeting today cos daniel joined us recently and asked if we could have one today. honestly i feel quite guilty cos i realised if he hadn't asked, we probably wouldnt have it this morning. was so shagged that i asked sharon to take over for today and it's seriously cool cos apparently, i asked her to try and discuss healing and she was wondering where on earth to find a related verse. then out of the blue, God showed her 1 peter 2:24! (:
to sidetrack a lil...last meeting we talked about big fish small fish. i think it upsets me quite a bit whenever i see small fish trying to attack smaller fish so they can feel all gung-ho about themselves. (i mean, use the fish terms in human sense). let's say person A doesnt have many friends, while person B has even less than person A. so person A is downright mean to person B until he realises there's no one else to turn to, then oh, suddenly he's all sweet and airy to person B! it makes my blood fume yknow? and it's not just Person A whom i feel has a problem. Shouldn't person B learn to stand up for himself and have some dignity too? hai. i'm glad i'm not involved in all those crappy friendship stuff at school. but honestly...just cos you're a barnacle, doesnt mean you get to go around bullying plankton!
this is what happens to poor lil students whose brains are totured by As such tht they cnat speak properly anymore
xinhui says:
ni3 pao3 qu4 na2 ni3 le4
Bubu says:
wo pao qu jacinta de fang jian
xinhui says:
gan ma
Bubu says:
huh?
Bubu says:
oh!
Bubu says:
hahahaha!!
Bubu says:
kan video
xinhui says:
huh!!!!!!!!!!!!!i also want!!!!!!!!
xinhui says:
ni bu pa ming tian meh
Bubu says:
go youtube and kan la
Bubu says:
hahaha
Bubu says:
er..
Bubu says:
pa you yong meh?
xinhui says:
oh ya hor
xinhui says:
hahaha!
tsk. my social life has been reduced to spastic convos on msn haha.
i wasn't intending to go out this morning but hahaha, well, turns out i had to play dodgeball AGAIN...my oponent was uhhh not very pro but i think my reflexes weren't so great today on account of how crappy i felt last night. anw, i wasn't at all sure i could control my technique all that well so after being bruised a couple of times i decided it'd be smarter to evacuate to the library. haha! im actually quite happy cos i realised i'm much better at blocking and deflecting now. it's just that i need to practise not getting stuck in a corner cos if it were impossible to trap me in the first place, i can just avoid the attacks altogether without any need to block. even if i parry my opponent's atatck, it's still considered losing once contact's been made! ):
i found this on tragic's blog :
'i think you'll never ever find true love in humans, cuz we all suck, every single one of us.
there's only 1 source of true love, if that's what you're looking for.
i don't have to tell you where it is.
you know.
if you cannot find it, then you're probably looking in the wrong place, and finding with the wrong method.'
haha! the first sentence is so blatantly true :D
i am so damn stressed i think i'm going crazy. on the one hand i'm glad cos it means my passion and fervency to study has returned to me. but at the same time i'm really very upset for having landed myself in all this crap and i dont even know if i deserve to be rescued from it. keat, shuling and sal were telling me to cheer up and stop being so depressed earlier this evening and that's when i realised sth is really very wrong. cos it is really very very very rare for people to have to ask me to cheer up, i didnt even realise the strain was showing that badly on my face...and what makes me feel like breaking down and crying right now is that i realised there is no way for me to go for cg tmr and not flunk prelims. i wrote in my QT diary that i've been feeling quite detached from God for the past few weeks and i honestly think it's because i havn't been doing my QT properly.
last sunday was so horrible, there was a whole string of events that happened in the morning that seemed destined to prevent me from going church. i woke up at 4 to mug but fell asleep on my bed. i dreamt that i was at my cousin's house in simei and feeling vaguely happy cos even its near to expo. then i asked my aunt (who's a christian) what day it was and she replied, 'Tuesday.' i got real shocked so i said, 'no!it's sunday! i need to go church' and she replied very vehemently, 'NO!it's tuesday!' i got so shocked that i jolted awake but before i knew it, i was dreaming again, this time that i was in a LT in st nicks. it was strangely empty and i only saw my class filling the front few rows, yet my clique (except jess) was missing. i was telling myself, 'okay, dont panic, you've got God and you're a canoeist...they cant do anything to you' and listening to gwong speak. then suddenly, i have this blurry image of the back door flying open and a man entering (which is impossible cos sn LT doesnt have a back door) and shouting something in a foreign language. somehow i thought weirdly to myself, 'that sounds like portugese' when i dont even know what portugese sounds like! anw, the voice(which i realised aftwards sounded like tongues) got so loud that i could hear in audibly even in my ears while asleep. then i thought hazily to myself, 'omg! is that God speaking to me?' (i think cos mark was telling me the night before about how God speaks to him) and i got super excited. i concentrated very hard on the voice, which got louder and more urgent, and concentrated so hard that i woke up. but as i did so i suddenly felt this deep sense of fear flood over me and i felt very strongly that the voice was a warning, though i didnt know whether it was fr a Godly or satanic origin or if i'd dreamt it all up. anw, i rmbed that shar says if it's fearful, it doesnt come from God. so i rmbed what wanli said abt blasting church cd after nightmares and went to do it, but i was so scared that i couldnt stop looking over my shoulder and speaking in tongues. the weirdest thing is, the dream of st nicks itself was not at all scary, nor was the voice, but only when i woke up did the overwhelming sense of fear spread.
that's not all. i flipped my bs book open to check what lesson it'd be and it was my fav on gifts of the Spirit!so i thought, hmm,maybe the devil doenst want me to go church cos sth powerful is gonna happen today. as i ran, i realised i was late, but the bus driver was so kind to stop for me! i went to thank him again after the bus stopped at tampines but as a result, i missed my train. when i caught it, i forgot to get off at tanah merah and went to bedok. and when i finally reached the service, i was super happy it was Ps Tan but after everything that happened, i got so exhausted that i nodded off during the service. argh!!!! so. damn. pissed.
haiyo. i dunno lah. im just very sad that my studies is so screwed up now. and that i'm the one who allowed it to deteriorate so badly. what kind of losuy testimony am i being man. it doesnt help that everytime i speak about church or cg matters, sal doesnt look too happy and she'll keep reminding me to conc on studies.i feel damn ashamed of calling myself a hwachongian.
HAHA FUJIE SABOTAGED ME: he placed this huge pack of Ruffles in front of me while i was mugging and took a pic to show lisa. hurhhh. it's quite obvious he wont really do it, but yknow, in order to prevent him from possibly telling a lie to lisa (that i ate chips while sick), i had to find a way to neutralise his (potential) lying right? sigh...so poor lil me had to be self-sacrificial and eat quite alot of chips, but y'all understand it's all for the sake of protecting fujie's integrity right? for the benefit of a fellow cg mate, i took the risk of killing my health and being scolded by my leader. awww. HAHAHAHAHA!!!
i was mugging in my room and outta the blue my mom presented me with my fully repaired watch! it's been outta action for almost a year cos the strap broke...anw i'm glad it's fine at this crucial period near As, cos it was given to me by my dad as a reward for good results for Os prelims. it's one week to scary prelims so it's 24/7 mugging for me, shu, sal and keat...and fujie is joining us too (: okay chiong!
