<3

i am so damn stressed i think i'm going crazy. on the one hand i'm glad cos it means my passion and fervency to study has returned to me. but at the same time i'm really very upset for having landed myself in all this crap and i dont even know if i deserve to be rescued from it. keat, shuling and sal were telling me to cheer up and stop being so depressed earlier this evening and that's when i realised sth is really very wrong. cos it is really very very very rare for people to have to ask me to cheer up, i didnt even realise the strain was showing that badly on my face...and what makes me feel like breaking down and crying right now is that i realised there is no way for me to go for cg tmr and not flunk prelims. i wrote in my QT diary that i've been feeling quite detached from God for the past few weeks and i honestly think it's because i havn't been doing my QT properly.

last sunday was so horrible, there was a whole string of events that happened in the morning that seemed destined to prevent me from going church. i woke up at 4 to mug but fell asleep on my bed. i dreamt that i was at my cousin's house in simei and feeling vaguely happy cos even its near to expo. then i asked my aunt (who's a christian) what day it was and she replied, 'Tuesday.' i got real shocked so i said, 'no!it's sunday! i need to go church' and she replied very vehemently, 'NO!it's tuesday!' i got so shocked that i jolted awake but before i knew it, i was dreaming again, this time that i was in a LT in st nicks. it was strangely empty and i only saw my class filling the front few rows, yet my clique (except jess) was missing. i was telling myself, 'okay, dont panic, you've got God and you're a canoeist...they cant do anything to you' and listening to gwong speak. then suddenly, i have this blurry image of the back door flying open and a man entering (which is impossible cos sn LT doesnt have a back door) and shouting something in a foreign language. somehow i thought weirdly to myself, 'that sounds like portugese' when i dont even know what portugese sounds like! anw, the voice(which i realised aftwards sounded like tongues) got so loud that i could hear in audibly even in my ears while asleep. then i thought hazily to myself, 'omg! is that God speaking to me?' (i think cos mark was telling me the night before about how God speaks to him) and i got super excited. i concentrated very hard on the voice, which got louder and more urgent, and concentrated so hard that i woke up. but as i did so i suddenly felt this deep sense of fear flood over me and i felt very strongly that the voice was a warning, though i didnt know whether it was fr a Godly or satanic origin or if i'd dreamt it all up. anw, i rmbed that shar says if it's fearful, it doesnt come from God. so i rmbed what wanli said abt blasting church cd after nightmares and went to do it, but i was so scared that i couldnt stop looking over my shoulder and speaking in tongues. the weirdest thing is, the dream of st nicks itself was not at all scary, nor was the voice, but only when i woke up did the overwhelming sense of fear spread.

that's not all. i flipped my bs book open to check what lesson it'd be and it was my fav on gifts of the Spirit!so i thought, hmm,maybe the devil doenst want me to go church cos sth powerful is gonna happen today. as i ran, i realised i was late, but the bus driver was so kind to stop for me! i went to thank him again after the bus stopped at tampines but as a result, i missed my train. when i caught it, i forgot to get off at tanah merah and went to bedok. and when i finally reached the service, i was super happy it was Ps Tan but after everything that happened, i got so exhausted that i nodded off during the service. argh!!!! so. damn. pissed.

haiyo. i dunno lah. im just very sad that my studies is so screwed up now. and that i'm the one who allowed it to deteriorate so badly. what kind of losuy testimony am i being man. it doesnt help that everytime i speak about church or cg matters, sal doesnt look too happy and she'll keep reminding me to conc on studies.i feel damn ashamed of calling myself a hwachongian.

posted by xin! @ 7:41 PM