today was.... =D friends. class-benching. team dinner.
since the sports + syf season's almost over, i'm just praying that we can replicate that promos period last year, when we could mug at class bench/ reading room/ canteen/ all over the place (okay i know we need to stop hijacking classrooms unless we want personal date w mr ken yeow) and yet play and have fun with all our friends =D been kinda missing them lately.
i feel very contented...a normal school week doesn't get much better than this. (:
table of glory's finale is over! argh i can't believe it ended like that...how could jiajun kiss xiaofen just to give her confidence to win the match?! ugh #$%^&** haha and there's so many loose ends! is shengwu gonna continue competing when he's lost all love for it? what's gonna happen btw him and xiaofen? what about he shuai, ma li'an and zhang ziyi? if the first ever YOG-runup drama ends like this, i really think Polo Boys is gonna screw up big time. quotes shar: "just another excuse to show off hot bod" -.-
okays the only aspect of the finale i agreed with was when shengwu said his mum was right about "once you start getting competitive, you stop being happy." maybe it's just the way i perceive things. but i've decided...i won't continue sprinting in uni, and i probably never will again. unless, perhaps, i race to play and not to win. but like what ziyi said, that's disrespecting your competitor, right? mm..this is all too confusing, haha.
hahaha we are THE MAX!
1...!
2...!
3...!
PIAK.
ownage. isn't the look on nanren's face worth a million bucks? haha!
ugh ugh ugh....i feel very pressurized by all the team stuff we're supposed to do ): not that i don't wanna spend time tgt but...man please don't let this be a repeat of the sec 4 clique ): very stressed.
on a happier note, i got my songs fr ansel today! =D haha he had cool hair that looked styled but i didnt bother to ask (since he'd probably deny it). but he couldn't pass me earphones cos he gave his away and i'd feel bad if i took his walkman ones. jiayi's like shot up 5cm since the last time we met! which means he is now taller than me ): oh and my aunt said i have solid abs. but i think that's disappearing fast, haha!
today=second time in my entire life that i wasn't scared of napha (=
today=i niao-ed zhonghan i.e. mr-stupid-show-off-for-2.4 'if u can do more pullups than me you are zai...' i didnt tell him i was comparing my ICU to his SPU (=
today=one week of survival for the nike bottle georgi gave me (=
tomorrow=meeting ben at nj to watch touchrug (heh i'm kinda hoping he forgets abt it...cos im quite shagged) (=
tomorrow=going grandma's house and ansel's gonna pass me taylor swift songs (=
tomorrow=i can sleep in late and watch spastic pokemon/ digimon (=
yesterday=lijie extremely unexpectedly threw biscuits at my head in the canteen ...which i successfully dodged though i was supposed to catch it 'i'm a CANOEIST not a NETBALLER' (=
yesterday=i tried to break yipyang's thumb bcos his joke was very old and not-funny...his attempt to throw somebody off the second floor was more amusing (=
yesterday=i sprang out of bed when the alarm rang, ran to the table and for some reason
poured chocolate milk on my bio homework before i realised what i was doing (?!) some inane part of my fried brain must've been attempting futilely to destroy my homework; i'm a stressed-out kid who is gonna spray bullets into the entire school next (=
oh and today i heard another funny account of ahem from shar! which strengthens my conclusion that my teammates especially
SHUAIGE BRUCEY TWIN AND JY ARE VERY DESIRABLE PEOPLE.hahaha i wonder why twin gave me a
Look when i commented 'hurry up why so little action' =P okie im gonna shuddup now or i'll get my head whacked again
hehe is my attempt to cheer up very transparent =D
i feel like i'm drowning drowning drowning in work, the O lvl bug syndrome is coming back so strong so fast so scary i don't wanna do this anymore.
every time i close my eyes hoping for a reprieve...once again i'm forced to relieve those races a million times over, wasn't it bad enough to have to screw up once? and i don't see just myself, i see all my canoeing ffriends, teammates, and even random people fr others jcs of whom i don't even know their names, everyone's struggling so hard to reach a certain ending point but halfway a look of terror crosses their faces and something bad always happens. this is what my friend posted and honestly, i've never come to a better reflection about canoeing life.
'it hasn't been good to me...and in a way i haven't lived up to anything my potential promised. i can look back now and blame this and that and make excuses for everything but ultimately i know i have made the decision to just rot and stay in this rut instead of pushing forward. i never was and never will be the fastest nor most talented, and my time here has been tainted by too many bad memories. but amidst it all i have found meaning, meaning in training under the unforgiving sun and to sacrifice so much. amidst it all i suppose i really love it and when it's all over it is the good memories i will remember and that will be all. my friends, my teammates, trainings...i will look back on it all with regret-tinged fondness. and i will never forget."
yesterday...
it hurt so damn bad i lashed out at quinn over and over again when he unwisely made another of his wisecracks about why i didnt get a finals placing compared to shar or such...i couldnt even dredge up the energy to explain the system to him; all my anger bitterness fury just escalated and i gave a srsly harsh account of how guys who can't even do 1 pullup/ finish their own work when they have a world of leisure time at their times should shutup and myob. looking back it seems like every single once of sportsmanship just poof disappeared from my veins; or did i even possess it in the first place? today afternoon was worst to the max, having george make additional niaoing about my performance and increasingly transparent attempts to make me talk to @#$%...i bit
hard on my tongue knowing i'd never forgive myself if i hit back out of spite and anger. the other guy was a different story, the harsh mocking litany in the background demanding for george to take another bus and the loud sneers of how i've failed; why are you doing this? i know we parted on bad terms but for you to sink to this level...why is it that those guys whose egos are the hugest always turn out to be the most extreme jerks? you don't even deserve to be labelled jock, you've sunk way way lower than that in my eyes.
it's like every dark and spiteful and bitter thought i've ever experienced is now whelling up in me and boiling over. threatening to tear all my friendships apart. everything around me's just turning to ashes and dust; i don't even know who to turn to anymore.
haha i wanted our other pic but... =D
K1 FTW!
everything from marathon until now. msn convos. climbing mountains. swapping paddles. hiding in forests. watching (nonexistent?) fish. saying hi to nelo/ raptor! disucssing tactics =D getting over injuries! praying for our races. and bursting! =D
Bubu my whole world, Your design says:
tpjc was my dream sch
Bubu my whole world, Your design says:
not cox of anything practical of cox
Bubu my whole world, Your design says:
i wanted to come here cox i wanted to go jc and slack
xinhui; waves are crashing and stars are falling says:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA
Bubu my whole world, Your design says:
wait till you hear of why i chose jc over poly
xinhui; waves are crashing and stars are falling says:
why why?
Bubu my whole world, Your design says:
cox i wanna pay $0.45 when i take bus and train
HAHAHA. im really super mega glad we met at the marathon meeting (: no matter what's happened thus far, canoeing and other stuff besides....we'll live to fight another day.
damn i just can't understand. yesterday i met Eve and she told me her friend also thought she was 'surprisingly nice for someone coming from Raffles.' I've always been proud to wear the HC uniform but i honestly never thought that others meant their prejudice against us. all the 'you must be really smart', /'elite school students must be really snobbish and arrogant' stuff, i always took it like water off a duck's back since i always thought they were joking. it's only recently that i started to sense the tinge of true bitterness, the simmering anger against rj and hci...and it stings, it really hurts. oh and guess what, ben just messaged me asking for 'that magic chemistry booklet fr hc.' zzz.
school sucks, the stress is unbelievable. i almost teared yesterday when mr nah just kept throwing remedial after remedial at me...sometimes i think it was better when we were training and could push everything to the back of our minds. my arm hurts like crap and mrs lee thinks it's a very funny joke, she announced to the whole class that i got disabled in the course of duty.
haha alright this is for JIAHUI! (: i promised!
hehe today morning we got lost finding the maths dept (my fault >.<) and then...
jh: so he was accompanying me to play bball so i wouldnt feel lost
me: aww that's so sweet!
i honestly wasn't insinuating anything but...HAHA.
jh: ?! he's shorter than me!! -becomes very agitated-
me: ?! why's yr reaction so huge, i wasn't implying anything! you have a guilty conscience!
hahaha so i spent the whole of econs watching jiahui and The Short Guy. since i had no idea which one He was,
shar: 'who's jiahui targeting?'
me: 'dunno, she's talking to the whole row. maybe all of them at one shot?'
haha jiahui i wasted my time recording all yr actions for that period! >.< heh i pass to you tmr, this is so wuliao. oh and i realised sth very cool: debs and i are on the screenshot for the hci canoeing video on youtube! =D
i like stormy pics of mac! it reminds me of what we've gone through.
the team aside, i think i owe thanks to many people. kenneth for the unending msn convos/ sms-es/ motivational stuff! calista...hoho she's getting a post later on but i need to gather material first. chejian, for those december self-trainings. fengchi, for cracking all the stupid jokes about mr hotbod, making my mood lighten every time i see a certain rj boat =D
sports has brought all my pre-conceived delusions crashing down. i've seen a guy i carelessly misjudged as a huaghty jock, and a girl a thoughtless bimbo, break down over their injuries. seen guys branded as arrogant gangsters live life anew, swallow their pride and admit they've been wrong, and even cry over the loss of a championship. sometimes i can't understand why a 'good' person would want to show his or her 'bad' side to others, but i guess it's a form of self-defense for most.
lastly, i saw my friend's msn name: "when life gives you a light, accept it." don't know his interpretation but i see it as having the grace to accept aid when it's offered to you. admittedly i've made quite a few slips, cos i think i've shoved many people away rather angrily when they tried to help. either doubting their sincerity, or their ability to understand. i know i need to stop living by "if you can't be bothered to give me the benefit of the doubt, i can't be bothered to explain myself to you", which is partly why my blog's been partial-locked. for now, though, to those few i've let into my heart...i sincerely thank you all.
thanks...partner (:
today was hardest to swallow. watching all my friends break down like that...my heart just broke all over again; it's a sight i never wanted to see.
my race is over. to be able to take on the best k1 ac has to offer, to face Pamela in her Nelo Vintage, Christine in her Nelo Vanquish and Calista in her Plastex Olympic Warrior...i've never felt so humbled and yet so privileged in my entire life. yet somehow, i feel sad. that i wasn't strong enough to provide them with any real competiton. maybe my canoeing career ends here, or just maybe, one day i'll be able to face these boats again....if that time does come, i hope we'll be able to take each other seriously.
i ate rabbit food. i made at least 5 new friends from different schools, and i overcame long-ago grudges. for what it's worth, i've finally learnt how to make the bow of my boat exit the water and fly. too little, too late; but nats'09 is something i'll never forget.
today i understood again the meaning of sacrifice, friendship and sportsmanship
today i understood that two different people can see one similar incident very differently
today i pray that sacrifices don't have to be absolute
and i wish you'd understand what i mean but can't say-dont read the next para if you dont like idolism-
i was looking for sth to hype me up before the race and...calista showed me her new bright yellow nelo!! :D hahaha omigosh it's BEAUTIFUL...the surface was still damp from its maiden raceset and we spent forever admiring the hull/ footrest/ seat/ rudder...everything. it's nelo VINTAGE (i didnt even know there were different types) which supposedly makes it really fast yet more stable than raptor, i'm so envious; i died swooning over it! we went to say hi to my raptor afterwards and WHY is everyone (seniors, friends, etc...almost everyone who's tried raptor) badmouthing it! okay i know everyone thinks its glide aint that fab and the tilt can be quite bad but...hey its MY boat. jiayou raptor i love you! we can always try to rewrite history together (:
oh and as for stingray...haha we got thrashed really badly but i don't regret at all, that was one heck of a race =D we were praying hard at the 1km line and suddenly this butterfly looped over our boat...starting burst was incredible, maintainence was great and the ending burst was...real sweet. we flew (:
when we let our fear over results dampen our love of paddling...what's the point of pushing yourself further in the sport? just go out, have fun, do our best (:
school was sucky today but my teachers were really nice!
"Dear Sir/ Madam,
I regret to inform you that my right arm was injured approximately one week ago, with the official diagnosis being la1shang1shen2jing1. In view of my upcoming canoeing nationals, I am relieved to say that I still possess enough strength to do this :
and this:
unfortunately, I am unable to undertake the far more tedious task as stated below:
Thank You for your kind understanding."
hahaha kidding i didnt really submit that alright! but my econs/ gp/ chem teachers let me off the hook for tutorials anyway. xiexie =D
maybe it's just a coincidence, but i realised our singles seem to get injured more frequently, haha. jiahui's arm + low BP, pucca's back/ knee/ blisters, me and my hand/ arm/ hip/ whatever. but hey we've survived! =D
i dont feel very nervous right now, it's more of a happy anticipation/ excitement of what's to come (: ENJOY THE EXPERIENCE! tonight i'm gonna read through all my good-look sms-es, print out and pack all the inspiring msn convos, listen to the motivating songs and vids one last time, stuff my D-3 into my bag, watch Table of Glory, pray hard and i'm all ready to go (: everyone take care and rest well! <3
we've come full circle.
doing well on stingray is important to me, but nothing i accomplish on k2 will ever be able to beat the feeling of having conquered k1. simply because i've never achieved it before. i don't want to go into this competition feeling like i was forced to. i want to do it because of what we've been through as a team. i want to do it remembering the feeling of flying on water, having absolute faith in my boat and paddle and myself. i want to blaze the memory of having fought and won the wind and water into my heart forever...for the love of canoeing.
tonight i'll pray for one last fantastic training on raptor. tomorrow i embark on waters knowing full well the weight of my duty. what i owe to everyone who's pushed me along, every painful little step of the way. and on wednesday...i will race my heart out hoping i have the full strength, might and support of my team behind me.
my brother's room window looks out onto the rooftop of the neighbouring building.
so anw, my mom saw a pair of my white shorts on the roof this morning, i wonder why?
this is what i've lost, by the way:
1. 1st pair of tights: $17
2. 2nd pair of tights: $17
3. 3rd pair of tights: $17
4. blue fbts: $10
5. black fbts: $10
6. white shorts: $23
total: $94
i dont know how to express my rage, really. it's like this white hot fury that threatens to explode out of me, so much that i want to seize him by the hair and bash his brains out before breaking every bone in his body. i feel like tying him to the 1km pontoon with his head underwater and get debbie to help me paddle the stingray ten thousand times over his body so that the rudder slices him to smithereens.
and to all my wonderful faithless friends whom didnt believe me when i suspected him, and kept asking if i wasn't being careless of my own accord...thanks a whole lot for your support.
grr i just did intense icing on my arm...why do i have a very bad feeling it made everything worse.
i like stormy water (only in k2!), today was cool ttm (: debs and i had a really short prog all thanks to me so we stoned on the pontoon and watched other schools...mmm interesting. and she professed her love for me yay partner!
kenneth quotes from adam-van-somebody's blog:
"Humans did not evolve in kayaks; our bodies were not designed to paddle these skinny boats around for hours a day. It is for this reason that I am most thankful for the human body's ability to adapt when stressed with hard work."
i realised pain doesn't affect me very much anymore (: everything's lost in the thrill of the flight and we learn to close our minds to cumbersome naggy irritants. yes my performance is ultimately affected but at least i can now fight every race out till the very end, that's something i could never accomplish before. go team!
I AM SO ANGRY TIGHTS AND FBTS DONT JUST DISAPPEAR INTO THIN AIR THESE ARE THE SECOND PAIR OF FBTS AND THIRD PAIR OF TIGHTS ALREADY DAMMIT @#$%^&**( wth is going wrong! arghhhhhh
went home with george today and he kept laughing at me cos i showed my noobness at handling team bag. i kinda didnt know i had to open the clasp to adjust the straps...and i'm not used to the hugeness of the bag so i kept getting stuck between the bus seats. zzz. thanks for adding to my humiliation ah friend. but i got my own back by going on and on and on about how cutesey the keychains are, and he had to listen to it for the entire 45 min journey (: and i told him i have huge muscles to which he...gave me the same
look as jiahui did HAHAHA
i'm still angry over my tights and fbts. and i'm really sorry for blasting my temper at alot of people today.
today...i was mentally kicking myself for being so gung-ho yesterday. so as atonement for my sins, i dragged myself (rather unwillingly) to the acupuncturist! haha EXTREME FAITH in pucca ("it doesnt really hurt!") amazingly enough it went fine; but i know even mouthing 'can i go for water tmr' is gonna earn me death-glares from a whole bunch of people so....jiayou for tmr team! ho hum hum i'm not gonna get my mood down over this incident, seeing how prone im to injuries i know it coulda been a whole lot worse.
oh and Table of Glory is mega nice!! i'm gonna watch it for motivation cos they're 'paddlers' too (:
Found myself today
Oh I found myself and ran away
Something pulled me back
The voice of reason I forgot I had
All I know is you're not here to say
What you always used to say
But it's written in the sky tonight
So I won't give up
No I won't break down
Sooner than it seems life turns around
And I will be strong
Even if it all goes wrong
When I'm standing in the dark
I'll still believe
Someone's watching over me
Seen that ray of light
And it's shining on my destiny
Shining all the time
And I wont be afraid
To follow everywhere it's taking me
All I know is yesterday is gone
And right now I belong
To this moment to my dreams
So I won't give up
No I won't break down
Sooner than it seems life turns around
And I will be strong
Even if it all goes wrong
When I'm standing in the dark
I'll still believe
Someone's watching over me
It doesn't matter what people say
And it doesn't matter how long it takes
Believe in yourself and you'll fly high
And it only matters how true you are
Be true to yourself and follow your heart
So I won't give up
No I won't break down
Sooner than it seems life turns around
And I will be strong
Even if it all goes wrong
When I'm standing in the dark
I'll still believe
That I won't give up
No I won't break down
Sooner than it seems life turns around
And I will be strong
Even when it all goes wrong
When I'm standing in the dark I'll still believe
That someone's watching over
Someone's watching over
Someone's watching over me
Someone's watching over me
i...don't fight my point with you; i don't jump around and make a whole lot of noise trying to get your attention because i know...you really do care. and i hate having to lower my defences, i hate having to be so dependent, but you know what? i'm not used to it, but it really feels very good; it's so comforting to know that, for once, someone's watching over me.
"Just because I patronise you doesn't mean I dont take you seriously. I just don't need to fight. I've got nothing to prove, and neither do you. We both know if you're speaking the truth, so what would be the point of me trying to prove otherwise? When you fight and push your point...are you trying to convince me or convince yourself?"-jenrya to ruki"this affects you so badly because there are horrors in your past the others don't have." -lupin to harrywow...i'm impressed.
i had a convo with shar the other day and i mentioned that i don't like people who put up a front, and sometimes, i think these people try so hard to be somebody else that they find themselves unknowingly slipping into that character for real. to which she replied, shouldn't these people be given credit for trying to be a better person? whether they act cute/ macho/ sensible/ mischievious/ emo, aren't they all trying to portray an image which they believe embodies something which is 'good'? because who would want to make themseles look bad? meaning in a sense, the 'front' we're trying to cast...is actually a mirror of what we would truly like ourselves to become, rather than something we put on for show.
the people whom we term 'posers', then, are simply those who don't believe in what they're doing, who do it for the sake of image rather than character. but how do you tell the difference?
in any case, i think this convo was interesting. i'll try and trust...some of my friends more, from now on. rather than thinking there's always some more malicious intent hidden beneath their actions (:
my friend's message made me realise hx spoke true when he says only a canoeist will understand another. and i'm seriously very touched...just one lil surprise that made my day.
i don't know how to describe the feeling of being the only k1 out on water. the utter loneliness of having to fight the wind and water independently and battle out the storm, versus the fierce determination to do better. knowing that one insignificant slip on the stingray, transferred to the raptor, means the difference between life and death.
when things went rough initially, i raged, i cried, i lamented bitterly at having to conquer k1 while everyone around me stage-whispered that it was certain doom, and that they were so glad they werent in my place. and now i accept that i may very well not produce any results on race day itself. but i also know that had i not been given the chance to try and scale this pinnacle, had i not been snatched out of my comfort zone and brutally slammed into facing my very worst fear, my hcanoe life would never have been complete. my mental discipline...would have been sorely lacking.
"you have so much more to give."whatever happens, i'm damn proud to be a k1 canoeist. and i'm not looking back.
