every time i close my eyes hoping for a reprieve...once again i'm forced to relieve those races a million times over, wasn't it bad enough to have to screw up once? and i don't see just myself, i see all my canoeing ffriends, teammates, and even random people fr others jcs of whom i don't even know their names, everyone's struggling so hard to reach a certain ending point but halfway a look of terror crosses their faces and something bad always happens. this is what my friend posted and honestly, i've never come to a better reflection about canoeing life.
'it hasn't been good to me...and in a way i haven't lived up to anything my potential promised. i can look back now and blame this and that and make excuses for everything but ultimately i know i have made the decision to just rot and stay in this rut instead of pushing forward. i never was and never will be the fastest nor most talented, and my time here has been tainted by too many bad memories. but amidst it all i have found meaning, meaning in training under the unforgiving sun and to sacrifice so much. amidst it all i suppose i really love it and when it's all over it is the good memories i will remember and that will be all. my friends, my teammates, trainings...i will look back on it all with regret-tinged fondness. and i will never forget."
yesterday...it hurt so damn bad i lashed out at quinn over and over again when he unwisely made another of his wisecracks about why i didnt get a finals placing compared to shar or such...i couldnt even dredge up the energy to explain the system to him; all my anger bitterness fury just escalated and i gave a srsly harsh account of how guys who can't even do 1 pullup/ finish their own work when they have a world of leisure time at their times should shutup and myob. looking back it seems like every single once of sportsmanship just poof disappeared from my veins; or did i even possess it in the first place? today afternoon was worst to the max, having george make additional niaoing about my performance and increasingly transparent attempts to make me talk to @#$%...i bit hard on my tongue knowing i'd never forgive myself if i hit back out of spite and anger. the other guy was a different story, the harsh mocking litany in the background demanding for george to take another bus and the loud sneers of how i've failed; why are you doing this? i know we parted on bad terms but for you to sink to this level...why is it that those guys whose egos are the hugest always turn out to be the most extreme jerks? you don't even deserve to be labelled jock, you've sunk way way lower than that in my eyes.
it's like every dark and spiteful and bitter thought i've ever experienced is now whelling up in me and boiling over. threatening to tear all my friendships apart. everything around me's just turning to ashes and dust; i don't even know who to turn to anymore.
posted by xin! @ 8:43 PM
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