anw. i reached home at 4 pm cos the nursing shift ends at 3pm! muahaha shiok to the max. i shadowed the wounds nurse today...hmm. they warned me not to faint, but i still didnt expect it to be as bad as it was. didnt really scare me, but i honestly don't think my friends without FA training could have stomached the sight. stage 4 bed sores with exposed bones and tendons and stuff...i'll spare you the gory details. ralphael started his attachment today and we've been discussing hospital/medicine life. he's still very gung-ho for it...but i'm not so sure anymore. i mean ok, he's got a point in saying that his senior is in med final year and still finds time to mentor church juniors and give them BS. and yea my cousin happens to be able to juggle med, guitar, piano, sports, breakdance, church mentor, AND praise and worship team. but medicine studies is not the same as living the life of a doctor. putting everything on hold...your friendships...relationships...family...sports...
music...church stuff...i just dunno. its scary. and if i do specialise, i wanna do A & E, which defeats the point of specialising altogether. zz.
i was telling mark yesterday that i like my attachment but it's exhausting. not just physically, but mentally and emotionally as well. the staff are really decent to me but it's just...something feels wrong. maybe its cos they all have their area of expertise and i'm just tagging along, but i don't think so. its more that i feel like there's no longer anyone to watch my back. like no matter how friendly they appear on the day you're attached to their department, and how much the smiles and waves continue, something is missing. the cheer, the life, the laughter. maybe dr venga was right when he said that doctors are usually not happy people. or maybe it's because this is a step-down, slow-paced community hospital with 99.9% elderly patients. maybe i just can't thrive in an environment that's so cold and sterile and which doesn't allow me to be my usual self...i just dunno.
i can look back and say that my desire to help and heal is still there. and i know from past experience that i can definitely stand my ground in any first aid situation,no matter how bad, and take control. after all...first aid was the one thing that fired me to success in Guides. and in canoe, it was the only thing i could offer my teammates when my strength and speed failed. forget success, it was the one thing that even made me believe in myself in the first place? being able to ignore all the blood and screams and chaos and treat the wounded when everyone else is freaking out... somehow i'm not willing to let go of that feeling.
posted by xin! @ 4:29 PM
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