i feel so...i just want to bash my head out and scream everything out here. there's no words to describe this kind of frustration, it's a kind of suffocating veil that just tries to squeeze the life out of you and leave your words dying halfway out.
the closest i've ever come to experiencing this...d'you remember that night hildy? when i was being the group i/c for north division campfire and you were the CL in charge, and the whole perfect night was drawing to a close after we'd sang and danced out hearts out, and suddenly the campfire souveneir in my hands crumbled up and the attached test tube shattered to the ground.
ten years down the road, i'll still remember the pain i felt that night. after training so hard for countless weeks, being denied our performance just cos the guiders screwed up the logistics. having to console the whole group while trying not to cry, and thinking that at least we could proudly display our souveneir, when suddenly our souveneir broke for no good reason at all. you could say the glue didnt hold. you could say, truthfully, that many other schools had their souveneirs broken that night too, for no good reason at all. but the only thing i remember that night was the accusing stares of the juniors when they demanded silently why there wasnt a Best Item, why we didnt have a chance to showcase our dance, why our souveneir lay in pieces.
it's that same feeling i feel now, of being accused and condemned, of not knowing what went wrong, of feeling freaking hurt and ashamed, of wanting to say 'it wasnt my fault' but knowing nobody's going to believe it.
posted by xin! @ 11:54 AM
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